I am having the biggest pity party right now.
In my defence, I basically never pity myself. I find the whole practise revolting. But sometimes you just need a good cry and a bitch to let it all out so you can move on. And since I virtually have no one to bitch to, I choose you - Tumblr.
So I’m all pathetically upset because I feel unattractive. Which is ridiculous because I’m bloody fantastic, but it seems to be my life story that the boys I like go and start dating girls who aren’t me and whilst I’m very happy for them it gets old. And it just sucks to feel… unwanted. So, in a weepy girl moment, I asked a friend what it was about me that leads to this scenario. I was told it’s likely because I have androgynous tendencies and a distaste for sex. Excuse me for reading that as, “You’re boyish and won’t put out.” Now, I appreciate this friend’s honesty and input, but are people really that awful? Is that really all that’s in a relationship; adherence to gender stereotypes and a willingness to spread your legs? THAT is what gets you in the door?
Call me an old fashioned romantic, but that just doesn’t sit right with me. I know I have my problems. I know I invest way too much in people sometimes, and I know I can be a cold, hard bitch. I am so closed off because I don’t know how else to protect myself. I doing know how to not take a relationship seriously… And I don’t think I should. But at what stage do I start changing myself so I can feel a little less lonely? At what point does it go too far? Cause I can’t have a me against the world attitude about this all, but I certainly don’t wanna bend to other people’s stupid expectations.
I’m shaving my head in about 2 months, and I’m gonna look androgynous as all hell. But I feel empowered by that. I feel like I’m going to be more beautiful than I ever have been, because I’ll be bold. I know I’m gonna look funny, and I know I’m gonna look fierce. But to me it’s a wonderful thing… It’s just a shame it’s looked upon by everyone as a time when I’ll really lose something. I think I’ll gain something big.
Any boy (or girl, for that matter) who writes me off for these things is one dumb loser. I would be an amazing girlfriend for the right person. But knowing that doesn’t really make the fact that I feel unwanted hurt less.
